Tuesday, February 8, 2011

humility: i need it.

inspiration: "When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom." (Proverbs 11:2)

i know there are days that if you opened up the dictionary to the word "pride", my face would be right beside it. i spent about 3 hours looking at code (not all at once, thank goodness) that i couldn't get to work, but after about 30 minutes, i should've just sucked it up and asked for help. but it was such a "little" problem, that i feared looking retarded if i couldn't get it to work.

but finally, i just broke down and asked one of the other programmers for help.
and let me tell you, he fixed the issues i was having in less than 10 minutes.

part of the problem i was having was sheer inexperience. i haven't done a lot of "big girl" programming, so it's all just a big overwhelming and new! but the majority of my problem is just feeling like i will be judged for asking for help.

it's such a petty thing, too. i work for a company that values asking for help. in fact, we've dedicated time twice a week to review each others' work and there is always an open-door policy where we can ask each other for help any time we need it. we're only hurting each other and ourselves if we don't ask for help.

i'm thankful not only for my company from the job perspective, but also for the other life lessons that i'm taking away from it indirectly. Hawkes values constant education and learning; we can't be good programmers if we're not constantly learning; we can't learn if we choose to hide in our bubbles and never ask anyone for help.

but pride is my vicious enemy.

i want to be the best.
i want to succeed.
i always feel like i have something to "prove".
i'm not really sure why, either.

i never had to fight for attention from my parents.
or in school.
my parents never forced me to be good at anything.
i've just always been driven to succeed.

and i don't mean this at all in a sexist way, but i feel like i'm wired like a guy, in the sense that i'm always battling who-knows-what to make sure that i'm "enough" for someone. be it my boss, my friends, my family, my church. if i'm being honest, it's a pretty close race when it comes to fear of failure vs. fear of rejection. guys (and i'm basing this solely on observation and literature), want to know their "enough"; girls (basing this on experience, obviously) want to know they're "worth it". lately, the bigger fear has been, hands-down, failure.

i'm not really sure why i've become so prideful about things.
i just know that i want to experience humility more in my life.
today was just one of those reminders that humility really does bring wisdom. i was afraid i was going to appear stupid; but (1) my co-worker didn't think that (at least, he didn't act like it) (2) i learned how to solve the problem next time, and (3) i would've looked more stupid if i had to stand up at my meeting tomorrow and say "i'm still working on the same thing i worked on yesterday" because at that point everyone would've said "why didn't you just ask for help?"

i pray for many more moments like this.
i want my walls of pride to be torn down.
i'd much rather be filled with wisdom and humility.

1 comment:

  1. You're wise to be able to recognize such failings at such a young age Nikki...and you're even wiser if you act on them in faith. Keep at it.