Monday, February 21, 2011

the guard's coming down.

inspiration: i. need. prayer.

i've been denying (to myself) the fact that i need prayer. when people have been saying "i'm praying for you and your family", i think to myself "don't pray for me; pray for my mom. she's the one in the hospital. she's the one who needs healing!"

but i'm just gonna come out and say it. i DO need prayer.
i need healing, too! from past sin, guilt, and shame, especially in regard to my relationship with my mom.
i need forgiveness! for wrongful frustration, anger, and resentment towards her.

there is no doubt that i am a complete daddy's girl.
not that my mom and i have a bad relationship, we don't. we're just complete opposites.
in pretty much every way, except for the fact we both have two X chromosomes.
but it's hard for me to relate to my mom sometimes.

we have completely different personalities.
we had completely different upbringings.
we've lived completely different lives.

from the time i was in middle school until probably a year or two ago, i had a lot of frustration that was wrongly aimed at my mom. a lot of it stemming from my control issues. and it made me a horrible daughter to her. my mom is a great person and she's been the best mother she can be. but i wish we had a better relationship. i wish i was a better daughter to her.

and this is why i need prayer.

prayer to let my guard down when i'm with her.
forgiveness for all the bitterness and frustration i held in my heart.
strength to actually open up about things that i tend to tuck away and guard.

it's often in the times we don't think we "need" prayer that we actually need it the most.

i've been denying the fact that i need prayer this week.
but it's very clear that i most definitely need it.
probably now more than ever!

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