i just had a moment of sadness; not for myself, but about myself. i realized how truly selfish i am sometimes and how it keeps me from being truly HAPPY about everything else that God has blessed me with.
i want to be a friend.
but more than that, i want to be a good friend.
i love supporting my friends and being an encourager and a cheerleader and a fan. i LOVE it! i love when people delight in me and support me and are good friends.
but i think sometimes i expect too much for people to be my biggest fans, my best friends, and my encouragement, too. and when my expectations aren't met, i get disappointed and even jealous and hurt.
Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such "wisdom" does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.
I don't want to allow the devil to have a foothold in my life. I don't want to have a jealous and selfish heart; i want to have a servant's heart that is full of humility and love. There is nothing loving or Christ-like about jealous and selfish motives.
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
I love my friends and I want to be good friend to them.
And I want to be delighted in and praised, but not because of what I do, but because of what Christ is doing through me.
On a side note, I feel like this is probably why relationships aren't going my way either; I'm too focused on what I can get out of one, rather than what I can bring to the table for Christ. I feel like as soon as I let go of my expectations and start trusting in the plans and the person God has created for me, I will be far better off than the crazy, deranged worry-wart I am now. Right now, I'm afraid I won't ever be "treasured", but it's not about what a guy sees in me; it should be about how he sees Christ in my heart and in my life.
after all, a woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should be seeking Him to find her. ;) (one of my favorite quotes ever :))