Friday, September 10, 2010


inspiration: my devotional today.

last night and today, i've been struggling immensely with matters of the heart. i had dinner with my ex-boyfriend and best friend last night. and i was taken aback by the feelings i had toward my ex. i genuinely missed him as a friend; circumstances (distance, schedules, work, etc) in the past made it hard for us to really spend time together a lot and a lot of things happened that strained our relationship and pretty much tore us apart.

but last night, things were different. after not seeing him or talking to him very much over the last few months, i had built up barriers to my heart. i had convinced myself that i was going to have to keep my guard up over dinner; i was going to have to defend myself; i was going to have to just stand up for myself and not be too emotional. but the circumstances of dinner and the fact that we were all just having fun and being laid back made all of those barriers and worries crumble. and of course, being the emotionally-driven person i am, i let myself caught up in thoughts and emotions of the past.

luckily, my ex made a point to make it very clear that nothing could or would happen between us again (he always was such a logical person). and i know that (but like i said, i'm very emotion driven). we have two separate lives and we're going two seemingly different directions in life. it really would not work out, at least not by our own accord.

but today, i've just been battling my emotions. i've been battling myself and battling looking forward rather than backwards. i've longed for this relationship that isn't ideal, rather than trusting in God to provide the ideal relationship in the future.

my devotional highlighted 1 Corinthians 7:32
"I want you to live as free of complications as possible. When you're unmarried, you're free to concentrate on simply pleasing the Master." (MSG)

while, i'm not concerned about marriage, per se, i am worried about my priorities. i've been so consumed with wanting a relationship (and especially since last night) that i haven't been concerned about pleasing God.

"A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her." -Maya Angelou

i'm struggling and needing prayer to just keep my priority and obedience to Christ first and foremost. when i am doing that and when i have my sights set solely on Him, i won't worry about anything else; I will only be concerned with serving Him.


  1. Amen Nikki.
    Oh man how I struggle with this too. Sometimes I wish I could have another dinner, another conversation with Jon but I know I'd end up in the same place too.
    You've really inspired me over these past few months with your strength and faith and determination.
    God has a plan for you (as if you needed me to tell you that) and will strengthen you to do his will.

  2. Ily, Brooke.
    To be quite honest, I sometimes don't see how I could be that inspirational. I fall, I make mistakes, I doubt, I worry, and I struggle probably more than I should. I guess I just know my inner turmoil and the thoughts and fear that I won't ever be "good enough" for anyone. I try and be as confident in Christ as possible, but the truth is, I still struggle with being single sometimes. I really want to just have that sense of peace and contentment, but it's not easy.

    I know that whatever is meant to be, will be and whatever God's plans are will come to fruition. Sometimes, I just feel so selfish because I desire it so deeply right now...