Saturday, June 19, 2010

miss (possibly too) independent.

inspiration: i'm independent. but hopefully not too much so.

i'm an introvert by nature.
i tend to do lots of things by myself, just because i like to. even things that would, under normal circumstances, be more fun in groups: aka skydiving, road trips, etc.

i spent the first like 9 or 10 years of my life with no real "friends". i spent all my free time spending time with my parents and grandparents. the jackson's were my first real friends and luckily joyann and i are still BFFs, despite distance, life, and an age difference...

i sheltered myself a lot growing up and i've always worked hard to be the best i can be. i've been almost entirely financially independent from my parents since i was 16 (granted, they provided me with food/shelter/cell phone/health and car insurance) and have pretty much been on my own since i started college. and i got my own place last year.

i take pride in being able to support myself and being able to make my own decisions and basically not have to answer to anyone. but i also fear that i've become too independent for my own good. the thought of having someone else in my life brings me hope, but also worry and fear.
will they love me even though im messy, disorganized, and slightly dysfunctional?
what if they don't want to travel?
what if they don't like the way i keep my apartment/house?

for now, i just push those thoughts aside because i know that i want to finish school on a strong note, get a job and start building a career, and to keep a strong attitude and focus on my faith. but what if i become so enclosed and so shut-off to other people that i miss out on sharing opportunities with other people??

i may not be ready for a relationship now. and i do want to focus on myself and to be able to do things i want to do without being tied down to another person. but have i become "too" independent for my own good??

2 comments:

  1. girl, you are only 20 years old. you need to enjoy this time on your own. you have the rest of your life to be tied down...ENJOY THE MOMENTS THAT YOU HAVE RIGHT NOW!!! :)

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  2. thanks kels, but for the record, i'm 21 ;)

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