Friday, March 19, 2010


inspiration: a feeling & A.W. Tozer

First off, I feel like I must share a situation that I found myself in last night...I’m single. Anyone who reads this blog knows that. I’m happy being so for a couple reasons: 1. I’m pretty independent as it is, and I don’t do well when I feel like I’m "bound" to someone. I don’t want to feel like I have to ask someone’s permission to go somewhere or do something...I just wanna go and do. 2. And most importantly, this is a season God is blessing me with in order to grow closer to Him.
Unfortunately, I often lose my way. I "trip" in my walk with God and I turn to self-pity and whining.

Yesterday was one of my best friend’s birthday. Several of our friends had an absolute BLAST Post-It Noting her room and she absolutely loved it! We followed that up by celebrating at her house with pizza and cake and some good ol’ chill time.

But when I left, I felt something I haven’t experienced or acknowledged in a long time: jealousy. I was jealous of her for what (well, who) she has in her life. I was jealous that she has a boyfriend who LOVES Christ and loves her. I was jealous that no one feels that way about me. I have no one who will pursue me and "sweep me off my feet". And that hurts.

I sent her a text this morning and I felt like a jerk telling her how I felt and the reason, but I had to. I couldn’t live with that burden of jealousy sitting on my back: I HAD to ask for forgiveness. Being the amazing friend and amazing follower of Christ that she is, she extended that forgiveness. But more than that, she extended love and grace, and that’s what I needed most. (So thank you Brookeulus! Ily fo’ rilly!). Even when I was being selfish and self-centered and said something that could've affected our friendship in a devastating way, she was able to still tell me "You are a true and honorable friend :)" and I really appreciate that (even though it's not true sometimes).

But shifting gears a bit, I’ve been reading A.W. Tozer’s The Pursuit of God. I love it and I really like Tozer! He has been quoted quite a bit in other literature I’ve read, and I decided I wanted to read him firsthand. And I think he is awesome!
Something I just finished reading earlier today was about meekness. Now, before I read this chapter, when I heard the word "meek", I thought of a mouse. One that was timid and tame and not very strong...But after reading a chapter about meekness and rest (and looking it up on, I realized that meek isn’t a synonym for "weak", which is what my interpretation of it kind of revolved around.

The definition:

1. humbly patient or docile, as under provocation from others.
2. overly submissive or compliant; spiritless; tame.

A quote that Tozer used:

The rest he offers is the rest of meekness, the blessed relief which comes when we accept ourselves for what we are and cease to pretend (146).

Now to backtrack for a moment...
If you know anything about me, it’s that I’m a nerd. True story. I’m like "married to my schoolwork". My life pretty much revolves around school (and especially Systems Analysis, right now). And I tend to stress and stress and STRESS about school. And on top of that, I stress about relationships and trying to be "good enough" for someone to pursue (as illustrated above).

But something I’ve been trying to do is to rest. And today’s reading was just another reminder about acquiring a meekness that allows us to rest.

Matthew 11:28-29 says:
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

I struggle with pride. I struggle with impatience. I struggle with imperfection. I like to think I’m in control. But something I want to just embrace and something I need to acquire is meekness.

A quote that I loved:
The burden borne by mankind is a heavy one and a crushing thing [True dat, Tozer!]. The word Jesus used means "a load carried or toil borne to the point of exhaustion". Rest is simply release from that burden. It is not something that we do; it is what comes to us when we cease to do. His own meekness, that is the rest (140).

Being meek does not mean being weak. In fact, I’ve realized, it’s in acquiring meekness that we become strong! When we surrender ourselves to living for God rather than for ourselves and for the world, we become stronger in relationship with God. We are no longer worried about "What does the world think about me?" "What if I’m not enough?" "What if I’m not perfect?" "What if (fill in the blank)…?" We, instead, have our eyes fixed on the only One that matters and it matters not what others think of us, but it becomes about what HE knows about us.

Something that I struggle immensely with is self-worth sometimes. I want to be important to someone; I want someone to pursue me and make me feel special. But I have that someone. It may not be in physical form, but God is pursuing my spiritual heart. And that’s what I realized from my situation with Brooke and Tozer.


P.S. If you read all of this, you rock! ;)

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