Saturday, January 23, 2010

it's called "grace" for a reason.

inspiration: frustration with myself.

i've been really down and upset for a long time. i worry too frequently; i try to control everything; i feel like i've been very unproductive in my faith.

one of the biggest obstacles lately has been my want/need to control my feelings and others' feelings as well. for instance, i've been very open about my feelings for josh and it's frustrated me because he hasn't. i would honestly rather hear "i hate you" or "i feel nothing for you" than to not know. like the line in the Lady A song "Need You Now" I guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all....

i also have been just frustrated with my relationship with God.
i've strived so hard to keep it first, to keep Him first. i know that's where it needs to be and it should be honored and respected there. but i feel like i've put it there only for my selfish purposes. i want to serve and honor and worship God, YES, because He is our Creator and Father! but i feel like sometimes my prayers and actions don't speak "Father, You're AMAZING!", but rather "Father, I would really appreciate it if you would do (fill in the blank). Oh, and thanks for the sunshine, today!"
i just feel like i'm being selfish and, basically, a brat.

i read a couple chapters of Completely His by Shannon Ethridge today, and it helped me cope with some of my feelings of negativity.

Get a glimpse of God's true nature, girlfriend. He can't do wrong by you. Regardless of who or how many have left you, neglected you, or hurt you, you'll never have to count God as one of those people. It's not just that He won't. He can't. His very nature makes it impossible. So rest assured: you can't wear out your welcome. You can't do anything good enough to make Him love you any more than He already does, nor can you do anything bad enough to make Him love you any less. God is unchangeable, forever committed to His love relationship with you. Only He is capable of loving you without any limits whatsoever, and only He is deserving of your limitless love in return. (Completely His, 14)

i guess it's called "grace" for a reason.
We'll never be perfect; we'll always find a way to mess up. But God loves us unconditionally. we can't control how He feels about us, nor can we control how others feel about us. and that's something i need to let go of: my need/want to be in control.

no matter what i do or how i feel, God's plan will come to fruition. and i need to be open to that change. i pray that i keep my heart open to His plans for me. i pray that i honor Him with my life and through my actions.

i'm not a perfect person. i'm messed up, i'm selfish, i'm controlling at times. but God still loves me. unconditionally.

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